Lori Duran
OK, so you made it through Valentine’s Day. Getting back into the game of love can take patience and persistence, according to Lori Duran, who is dipping her toe again into the wide ocean of today’s modern romance scene. You’ll be surprised at where the journey goes in this primer for online dating dos and don’ts today. Take note, The Golden Bachelorette and The Golden Bachelor, the hit ABC reality dating show devoted to contestants in their golden years.
When I divorced at age 60, I didn’t know if I ever wanted to date again. But within a couple of years, I decided to try it. Some friends said online dating apps are the best way to meet men. They have lots of men single men and they can match singles by interests, location, age, height, and other ways. So, I signed up with one of the apps and pretty soon I was looking at profiles and photos, and men were looking at mine. I also learned about the red flags you should watch out for to avoid the wrong men and the green flags you want to see when talking to someone new.
I tried to be intentional about dating and was choosing to talk to men I thought I had something in common with and to whom I thought I was attracted. It wasn’t like how I dated in college when I went out with any good-looking guy who asked me out. My past dating reminds me of comedienne Lee Anne Morgan who said in college that she went out with any guy who would buy her a hamburger. No, girl, we are intentional these days. I wish it was effortless, but it’s more like a job to date using online apps. There are profiles to read, photos to look at, responses to be sent back, and countless dates that can lead to nothing. I had heard about online catfishing, scammers, and damaged men, and I ran into some of that myself.
Meeting men, in person, who are obviously older than the photos that they used in their dating profile, is disheartening…and women have also done this. It’s called catfishing. When you finally meet them in person you wonder what else they are dishonest about. That’s when I started to appreciate the seemingly innocent, if not clueless, photos of men posing with the fish they’d caught. It was funny that they thought this type of photo was attractive to women. But at least it was not dishonest.
Scammers are the worst. They put up a profile with a photo that has nothing to do with them or their life. I’m told they steal other people’s photos off the internet to use for online dating and then they make up a good-sounding profile to go with it. Presumably, the whole point of this is to hook an unsuspecting lonely person into what starts like a romance yet ends up with the lonely person being asked to send money. There is never any intention of romance. The tell-tale signs were that there was only one photo of the man, and he was always a widower. Does a sad story attract women? Surely so. Then, if they reached out to me first or if I made the mistake of reaching out to them, next would come the long affectionate messages indicating that this would be the love of our lives…and we hadn’t even met yet.
I learned to notice if there was not one single comment or question that was specific to me in their messages. It’s as if they have this text message saved, and they cut and paste it to send to as many women as possible. One scam I personally learned about was someone claiming to be working on an oil rig somewhere and therefore they can’t Facetime, or participate in online meetings, or meet in person. Yet they text and soon they need money for equipment, or they will lose their contract, and they have problems moving money to make payment. I had started to hear something like that from one man I had been talking to and fortunately for me, he brought up the need for cash a little too soon in our “relationship” which immediately made me suspicious. I am grateful his technique wasn’t quite smooth enough as I avoided a financial swindle.
Then there are the damaged singles, expecting others to tiptoe around their emotional wounds from past failed attempts to find love. It can look promising at first. There are green flags, but the red flags are there too, and those show you they have little capacity for romance. Yet they can be hard to see and even harder to pay attention to when you’re too eager to love someone new. The scars left behind on one man I met made him impenetrable to any deep feelings. He experienced past relationships that soured and left him with painful memories. Another man told me to never say “Let’s talk” as that triggered memories of traumatic conversations with a past significant other that started with those two loaded words. Another man I was dating exclusively blew up when I asked him if the fact that he was planning to go out for drinks with another woman meant anything that I should know about. He claimed I was jealous and clingy and naturally the relationship ended after that. I wonder if he is okay today.
Divorce survivors dominate the older adult dating apps. And at my age, I was leery of a man who had never been married nor had children. Were they some sort of momma’s boy? Would everything always be all about them all the time? Yes and no. Some, but not all, are self-absorbed. Their problems can seem self-inflicted and unfortunately, too many of them don’t grow and learn. Besides the perma-bachelors, there are plenty of divorced men who are equally egocentric if not more so.
I met a 3-times divorced man who was still trying to find love and seemed damaged. He seeks attention and validation from any woman who will at least be a friend, and he will spend hours texting and talking to the same gal that he has already decided, often for some petty or self-inflicted reason, that she isn’t suitable for him to date. He hasn’t found love, but apparently, it’s better to have a pen pal than no attention at all. After all his romance disappointments he is so afraid of picking the wrong partner that if he ever makes it out on a real date then he is obsessed with vetting the woman from the start of the date to the finish. Dominating the conversation to see how well she would fit into his life; he barely gets to know her. Unfortunately for him, he is the one that ends up passed over.
But it wasn’t all bad. There are good guys and nice guys. I got to know some interesting people along the way and while we weren’t perfect for each other, maybe we came close. There were no butterflies, no living together, nor marriage. Yet I still appreciate the few that I tried to love and those who tried to love me. Through it all I learned to meet in person in a public place, such as a coffee shop, for a few dates before going on a more traditional date. It gave me a chance to know a little about them before I was committed to a lengthier date such as a dinner and a movie.
One of the things that I discovered late in life was to garner helpful ideas from other people about how to look for someone who wants to date healthily. I found out about red flags, which means you should stay clear of someone to whom you have just started talking. On the other hand, there are green flags, which are good signs to watch for in the talking stage. Some of these red flags and green flags are widely recognized like those below. A good dating choice would not have red flags and possess most, if not all, of the green flags.
The talking stage before the first meeting can be the trickiest to navigate. But look out for the red flags such as love bombing, which is one of the first things you may notice. It is when someone showers you with excessive attention, compliments, or declarations of looking for love, and all a little too soon. They act like they want to take things to the next level quickly. It’s likely too good to be true. If they check in a little too frequently, and message or text you more than once a day, it can feel excessive and like they are trying to rush things. Why are they trying to monopolize your time right away? If someone you’re talking to makes belittling comments about women, even if they say they’re joking, they may not like women, and they may be just disagreeable. If they make disparaging comments about their exes, you may be the next one described that way.
If you are talking to someone who isn’t able to maintain a job, or is living in a bedroom at someone’s home, that is a red flag. If have been talking to them for more than two weeks and they do not initiate a meeting, then they may just want a pen pal. It’s not going to work out into a loving relationship with someone who wastes your time talking online for weeks and still has no intention of ever meeting in person. Your romantic partner should not have to be pressed to go out on dates. It should come easily. If they’re running hot and cold, remember they are probably busy talking to others and looking for love with multiple people. Ask the hard questions and be aware of the true intentions of anyone you are dating. Are they just passing time, looking for pen pals or hookups, or trying to find someone for a healthy relationship?
You also want to look out for green flags during the talking stage. Green flags are the opposite of everything that’s a red flag…and more. They should ask questions that are specific to you and listen well. You do not want to put in time talking to someone who is copying and pasting the same messages to others. Do they put in the effort to get to know you? Do they ask thoughtful questions? If they should enthusiastically make space for you in the conversation, and seek to get to know you, those are some green flags. Try to learn that they are in a good place in life and not trying to use someone to recover from their past mistakes, or to improve their situation. Remember your value and only respond to those who see your worth. There are many people out there that are not right for you. But all it takes is one person, the right person and that could change everything.
Curated Texan Disclaimer: The information provided in this post is for educational, informational, and entertainment purposes only. It should not be considered therapeutic advice. Readers may want to consult with a professional before making any lifestyle decisions. This site and the author do not guarantee the accuracy, completeness, or reliability of the information provided. All opinions expressed in this blog post are solely those of the author and do not reflect the opinions of any affiliated organizations. Readers are encouraged to conduct their own research and due diligence before making any lifestyle decisions.
